0:00
Welcome to Sex help for smart people. I'm Dr Laura Jurgens. I'm here to help you have better sex, intimacy and relationships. So let's get at it.
0:10
Hello and welcome to episode 85
0:14
we are talking today about whether it's okay to fantasize during sex and if it's bad, if it's good, if it's cheating in some way, shape or form, if you need to tell your partner, all those things we're going to answer today. So quick answer first,
0:38
it is really normal to fantasize during sex with a partner, and it's really okay. You do not have to feel horrible about this. And in fact, it can actually be really helpful in some situations. And for some people, there is nothing wrong with you if you're doing it, it doesn't mean you're not attracted to your partner, or that you're disengaging from the experience, unless you are. So we're going to talk about that. It can actually be really helpful to fantasize, but there are some circumstances where it's not helpful. And I'm going to walk you through how to determine which side you're on based on your situation, and I'm going to give you a five question quiz to ask yourself, just five questions for you to reflect at the end today on how to tell if you're using fantasy in a helpful way or an unhelpful way. So let's start out with thinking about why fantasy can actually help you in your sex life with a partner, not just fantasy. Is just not it's not just for masturbation. You can actually use it one to help you keep your brain in the game. So Active Minds, if you are a person with an active mind, you may need something to do with that brain during sex and without some sort of focus. Brains, active brains, especially, can naturally wander to to do lists, stressy things, what you should have said to your boss yesterday, whether the neighbors might hear you, what you're gonna do about not being able to mow the grass because it's raining, you know, whatever it is, and that giving yourself a fantasy for your brain to play while you're having sex with a partner can actually help keep your brain in a sexy space. Now this is particularly helpful for some people with ADHD. Not everybody with ADHD fantasizes during sex, but a lot of people do, and especially certain types of ADHD, if you have racing thoughts, if you have racing thoughts during intimacy, that is a really good indicator that you might be a person who might need to play some fantasies in your mind to give your brain something to do, and it gives your brain something sexy to focus on, instead of going down the mental rabbit holes that would pull you out of the present moment experience. And in those cases, for those people, it can actually help you maintain arousal and stay embodied. And this is true for me, so for me,
3:22
I have a ADHD brain that tends to like, go down all kinds of mental rabbit holes and think about 12 things at once. And so running a fantasy will actually help me stay embodied and stay present with a partner. The other thing that's great about fantasy in enhancing your sex life with a partner is that it can help you take responsibility for your own arousal, so it allows you to actively participate in your own turn on. Now, look, some people do that in other ways. Maybe they like to listen to erotica before they get together with their partner, or maybe they like to do some sort of self touch before they get together with a partner, or they like to have porn on, and that helps them come whatever works for you right, allowing you to actively participate in your own turn on, and supporting your mind at staying engaged allows your body to stay engaged when your mind might otherwise drift and pull you out of the experience and out of your arousal. So having a fantasy helps you in just the same ways that some other things can help you take responsibility for your arousal, especially if you're a person whose brain tends to kind of like go down avenues that turn you off. So you want to instead give it avenues that turn you on. So the key question is, how are you using fantasy? And we're going to come back to this a bunch today. Not that this is going to be super long. It's not going to be a super long podcast, but how are you using fantasy? Is the important.
5:00
Sort of distinguishing question to determine whether it's you're using it in a helpful way or an unhelpful way. So green light helpful fantasy use helps you feel into your body while fantasizing. It keeps you present and embodied with your partner. It allows one part of your brain to stay occupied with that while also remaining connected to your physical experience. It tends to stoke the fires of arousal rather than dampening them, and you can still feel your partner pay attention to your partner and respond to your partner in that scenario that is like green light. Use the fantasy when fantasy becomes problematic, when it's more of a red flag, it's under conditions where you're using it, one to dissociate from the situation, or you're using it to tolerate things that you don't enjoy. So that's a way of actually dissociating from the situation. Another way that is a problem is you are trying to orgasm quickly in order to escape an unpleasant experience like either you are uncomfortable say, for example, your partner loves going down on you, and you have a bunch of shame about your genitalia, and you don't want to tolerate them going down on you, and you're using fantasy to orgasm as quickly as possible to escape that experience. Or you're not you're in pain, and you're using fantasy to escape respecting your body's pain signals, those kinds of things. Another problematic fantasy use would be you are consistently fantasizing without any connection to your body, so it's actually feeling like you are less connected with your body when you are playing the fantasy in your mind, rather than more connected with your body. And you can tell because your physical sensations go down when you're fantasizing instead of going up. And those are all red flags to tell you that the fantasy is actually not helping you when fantasy becomes a problem like that, it tends to be for a few key reasons. So those like red flags are usually for some there's some root causes here. One, you might be avoiding difficult conversations so you don't like what's happening, but you don't want to speak up. You are afraid of hurting your partner's feelings, instead of focused on their need for helpful feedback. So for example, you might be withholding information that could help them be a better lover. For you, you don't want to tell them, you know, actually, I prefer that a lot lighter or a little to the left, or I really need to go at a much slower pace, and instead of having that conversation where you're giving them the information they need in order to be a better lover, for you, you think you're protecting them from their feelings getting hurt, but actually you're just in avoiding you feeling uncomfortable about bringing it up. So you are using fantasies to kind of cover up avoidance. Another root cause could be for some of the red flag stuff is that you have shame about your desires. So this might be because you're ashamed of what you actually want sexually in real life, or you're confused about fantasy versus reality. You're mistaking your fantasy desires for real life, wants and thinking that they should there are things that you want to do in real life when, actually, most people's fantasies are not things they want to do in real life.
8:30
You know, you may have a fantasy about, you know, like being like, quote, unquote, used by, like, a series of, you know, I don't know, alien truckers or something, and you don't actually want that to happen, or anything like that to happen in real life. You're just running that fantasy in your mind because it gives your mind something, and usually that something is related to your psychological arousal needs. So you might want to go back and check out that episode about emotional and psychological arousal needs to help you kind of deshame some of that. So if you are ashamed of your actual desires, or you're confused about whether fantasy means that you want to do it in reality which it doesn't, then you could feel ashamed, or like scared of your fantasies and not want to actually talk about them, but still need the emotional and psychological arousal from them. So you're like, kind of like hiding them from yourself, and you're not distinguishing around what you want in reality and what you want in fantasy. And so you can't really share your real preferences because you are confused about them, and in that case, you're kind of using fantasy as a substitute for good communication. Even with yourself, you're not really understanding what you need so that you can communicate it. Okay. So another problem, another root cause of some of these red flag situations, is that you might have unresolved.
10:00
Trauma. So for example, if past experiences are affecting your body's responses or your capacity to be present and feel safe being present in your body during sex, you could be using fantasy as a way to dissociate and escape during sex and still kind of push your body into orgasm. In that case, you're using fantasy as an escape mechanism rather than an enhancement. And that's a really important distinction. So if that's happening, then I would highly suggest getting some qualified help, getting some help with somebody from somebody who knows how to work with unresolved trauma and help you actually be able to feel safe in your body being present. That doesn't mean you have to always give up all your fantasies, but we want to make sure that you feel safe in the present moment and that you're not just dissociating and tolerating because eventually that will tend to shut your body down, and you will tend to have less and less sensation and be less and less able to actually connect with your partner. And it can cause a lot of relationship problems and a lot of problems for you in terms of just sexual function. Okay, so those are some of the root causes of the sort of red flags, but actually, there's a lot of really great reasons to fantasize while you're having partner sex. So one of them is just people have really complex emotional needs, and fantasy can help fill in some of the gaps that would be really unrealistic or me to expect from your partner, or maybe that your partner just can't meet all of those needs because maybe they don't want to play some of those roles. So for example, you need some sort of specific humiliation or power dynamic that your partner isn't comfortable with. It's okay to use fantasy to kind of bridge the gap between what your partner's doing and what your psychological arousal needs are there. So you might imagine something more extreme than what's actually happening, and that's one way to use fantasy to help bridge that gap another. But you're still right. Remember, we're still using that
12:19
assessment tool of like, Am I more embodied with the fantasy, or less embodied?
12:24
The other thing is, some people have really complex arousal needs, psychological arousal patterns that are difficult for partners to navigate. Maybe they you need to have this feeling and then that emotion, and then that emotion, right? And you need them sequentially in a certain order in order to get aroused or in order to reach orgasm, and your partner really can't be expected to figure out how to sort of play all those roles in the sequence and with the timing and all that stuff that you need in order to have those emotions. So if it is a really complex arousal need for you. Fantasy might help you enhance your situation, but you can still stay connected to your partner during it. Then that's a good use for fantasy, like filling in the gap so some constructive things to play with, or you can imagine your partner doing things that they're not actually doing.
13:20
You could also visualize what is happening to you. And a lot of people don't even realize that this is fantasy, but a ton of people so normal to fantasize during partner sex, and it's also some of it seems like you wouldn't even think of it as fantasy, like visualizing something that you can't actually see in the moment is actually a type of fantasy, right? But these are ways that we can still stay connected to our partner while we're fantasizing. And you can allow your brain to also kind of come in and out of a fantasy. That's another way of doing it. So you can close your eyes if you need to go into a fantasy really deeply. See if you can feel into your body what's actually happening in your body, the sensations your body's experiencing. Allow the fantasy to be there for as long as you need it, and then kind of pull yourself out and check in with your partner and make sure that you're not escaped, right? Like, make sure your partner is not like, hey, where did you go? Right now? Look, some people are, like, hyper sensitive and a little bit worried about their partner going inward, that you may need to talk to your partner about that and help them understand your own process. And that's also okay. That's totally normal. That doesn't mean you have to tell your partner absolutely everything and all the details about your fantasy. But we'll talk a little bit more of that about that in a minute. One of the big questions people have so much about fantasy when I'm talking to clients, when I'm just talking to people, sort of at large, because as soon as they know what I do, they want to ask me all kinds of questions, which is.
15:00
Totally understandable. One of the big questions is, this is fantasizing about other people or other situations cheating on my partner, especially if I'm doing it while I'm having sex with them. And my answer to this, I mean, people have different opinions based on how they define what in their mind is cheating, right? But I think it, I do not think this is cheating, because here's the thing, everyone in your mind, no matter what face they wear, no matter what they're doing, they are you. There are no real people, other people in your fantasies. You are always fantasizing about little characters that you have made up, that are you at the end of the day, even if you're fantasizing about some celebrity, right? Actually, the person in your fantasy is just a projection of who you think they are based on your mind. It is your brain coming up with who you think this person is.
16:06
So mental activity is not a betrayal of your partner.
16:11
You are not acting on these things. And in fact, we fantasize about all kinds of things outside of sex. Even we fantasize about, you know, people will fantasize about, like, running someone over with their car, that they're never gonna do it. They shouldn't be arrested for that, right? Sometimes we fantasize about even like, like ourselves, like doing weird things that we would never want to do to ourselves. Right? Brains do strange things. Mental activity is not betrayal. And all those characters that your mind is are creating. Your minds are creating those characters because you are desiring a certain emotional experience, and the characters allow your mind to have that experience. They don't necessarily mean anything that you actually want to have happen in reality. Now, if they do, if you just, you know, met this, I don't know the guy who delivered your pizza last night, and you're fantasizing about him. Yes, that is a real life person. And maybe you are fantasizing about real life sex with this guy who delivered your pizza. But it doesn't mean you're going to go out and do it at that point. Once you start exchanging numbers with that guy or making an arrangement to meet up, now you are starting to get into an area where if you have told your partner you're not going to do that kind of thing. Now you are betraying your partner, and your agreement with your partner, right by doing something you said you wouldn't do mental activity is not betrayal is the bottom line. So another question that comes up for people is, should I share everything? Do I need to tell my partner all my fantasies? And again, the answer is absolutely no, you don't have to. But I would say that feeling comfortable sharing your fantasies is really good for intimacy. It allows you to de shame them. It allows you to get support and even encouragement and be cheered on by your partner, if they are a person who has the capacity to do that, if they can understand where fantasy is coming from and what it's doing, and if you're able to reassure them enough that actually who you want to be having sex with is them, and that the fantasy is really to help you keep your mind in the game, or whatever you use it for, not all partners can handle a discussion of fantasy without misinterpreting it or imagining that it means you're constantly wanting to be with someone else, especially If they're really insecure, so you may need to be very discerning about whether you do that and when you do it. And you can also get help from a coach like me, for example, if you want to start sharing more and you're unsure how to say it, to make sure your partner doesn't misinterpret but there's some reasons that you would really like to share it. Either you'd like to play. You'd like to have your partner, like, imagine with you. I have had some couples who have so much fun with that, where somebody shares a fantasy and then their partner kind of, like, embellishes on it and, like, talks about it in their ear, where they're having while they're having sex, and it's really hot for everyone. So there are some great intimacy building things you can do when you share your fantasies with partners, but you don't have to. I do think sharing generally your psychological arousal needs, like the emotions you want to feel during sex, is really helpful to do with your partner, but you don't have to share all the sort of hot movies in your head that help you get there. You might want to share a couple choice ones that are something that your partner could help you with, all right. And another thing is sort of so the idea of being able to make your partner feel secure. We can't actually totally make other people feel any particular way. We can't.
20:00
To reassure someone so much that they're never going to be able to even entertain the thought that they are somehow not enough, and if somebody really wants to believe that they're not enough for us, there is nothing we can do about that situation, but we can help our partners be more likely to feel secure by being really gentle about how we use fantasy when we're talking about it, framing it as a tool for presence, not escape, if that's actually true, right, emphasizing our desire to be present with them during sex and to make sure that we are allowing ourselves to stay turned on and not think about You know, whether the laundry is going to be done in 15 minutes or 45 minutes. We want to also help make it clear to our partner that we want to be having sex with them. They are the person we actually want to be having sex with, and we have chosen them, and that putting our fantasies in context for them is really important in that way, by emphasizing that we're choosing them in those ways, you can maximize the chance that your partner will feel secure, but you can't always control it, and especially if you have a particularly insecure partner, you want to be be really mindful about that, and maybe even just let them know, like I'd love to share some fantasies, but I'm worried that you might not understand that this is just a tool for my mind and doesn't mean I don't want to be here with you, or maybe you just share fantasies that are include them, or have something about them involved, right? You want to think about this and think through it. You do not have to share all your fantasies with your partner to be in an open, communicative, authentic, loving relationship. You are allowed to have mental privacy for all kinds of things, right? Okay, so here's the deal, the presence test.
21:55
This is like the golden rule for having helpful fantasies and not ones that undermine you and your sexual relationship. If the fantasy helps you be present in your body and in the moment, it is good, good idea. Great. If the fantasy makes you dissociate or pulls you away from being present in your body and in the moment, then that is not such a good plan. It can that is when we are thinking it's problematic. So here are and, and by problematic, I don't mean there's anything wrong with you. I just mean that, like there's some things that might need healing there, and there's some reasons that you're feeling the need to dissociate, and it's either something about you, your history or your relationship, that you're feeling like you need to pull away from instead of lean towards, and usually you're going to be better off in the long run by facing those things head on and getting help with them. And that's I mean, what I do with that's what I do every day. That's my job. So please reach out to me if you want help, or to somebody else if you don't feel comfortable with me. So here's your exercise for today. These are five questions to ask yourself to determine sort of which side of the fantasizing spectrum you're on. Number one, can I feel my body while I'm fantasizing? Am I like, really able to feel my body from the inside of my body? Can I feel the sensations in my body? Number 2am, I using this to enhance or to escape.
23:22
Number three, do I feel connected to my partner during sex or not? Number 4am, I avoiding having important conversations about what I like and what I prefer? Number five, is this helping my arousal or just letting me get through it? Okay, so those are the five questions to ask yourself. So basically, I just want to wrap up today saying, you know, fantasy during sex isn't about just what you're thinking about. It's about how your thinking affects your presence and your connection and your emotions, and so if the fantasy helps you stay embodied, engaged and present with your partner. It's a valuable tool, but if it's helping you escape or avoid, that's when you need to examine what's really going on and possibly have some honest conversations about your needs, your desires or your history in order to really, like, get to the bottom of what it is that you're trying to escape or avoid, right? So I hope that's been helpful, and for many of you might what you really need is just permission that it's okay to run fantasies in your mind while you're with your partner. And I want you to know that you have that permission. You absolutely do. You may want to talk to your partner about it and make sure that they at least know that that's a part of your sexual needs, even if you don't share all the nitty gritty details about the fantasy. And they may want some of those. You can think about what fantasies you are most comfortable sharing, but it is absolutely okay for you to use fantasy. It's not like there's a situation in which you should never fantasize while with a.
25:00
Partner. And I've heard that from some it's, it's not uncommon in some sort of, like sex help communities, whether that's sort of like an old school sex therapist who thinks that that's some sort of pathological problem, which it's absolutely not, or if it's some sort of, like New Age, you know, Western Tantra, person who's saying that it's it's not good for you because it's like somehow not in accordance with their ideas of what sex, quote, unquote should be. Those are people who are passing judgments that are not based in any particular fact. Okay, they're just their opinions. And obviously this is just my opinion, but I really want you to think about when people have cut and dry judgments like this is always bad, most of the time that is rooted in some sort of bias rather than reality. So what we're saying here is actually it really depends, and it's fairly nuanced. It can be helpful or unhelpful, and you get to decide, and you don't have to subscribe to any of those judgments. And chances are, you and your partners will feel a lot more free and have a lot more fun if you're not judging yourself or anybody else back. All right, my friends, I'll see you here next week. Want to come to Hawaii with me. If you are a woman, or you know any, send them right to my homepage. www.Laurajurgens.com, the Maui retreat info is there and it is open for Early Bird registration. Don't miss it, and I get to see you in Hawaii.
.png)