The one thing you haven't tried for mismatched libido

You've read the books. Maybe you've done therapy. You've tried scheduled sex, date nights, "just doing it." And you're still stuck.

Here's why: you've been trying to fix a layout problem with decorative solutions.

In this episode, I break down the kitchen remodel analogy— why desire gaps need something very different than what most people try. You need a comprehensive, body-based approach, not another book, toy, date night, or conversation about the problem. I'll walk you through what most of you have tried, why it hasn't worked (not your fault), why it feels so deflating, and what actually does work for real human beings.

This is for people who are exhausted, at their wit's end, and starting to wonder if it's even fixable. Spoiler: it is.

Get my free guide: Get Out of Your Head: A Starter Guide to Releasing the Pressure, Shame, and "Shoulds" Around Intimacy at https://laurajurgens.com/guide

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Transcript

Introduction: Why Surface-Level Fixes Don't Work

Hey everyone, welcome to today's episode. We're going to talk about the one thing you haven't tried yet for mismatched libidos.

So if your kitchen layout was all wrong, if you couldn't open the fridge without doing ninja moves to get to the oven, if the sink was on the opposite wall of the dishwasher, if absolutely nothing was where it was supposed to be, would the most beautiful countertops in the world be the best choice to fix it? Of course not.

But that's essentially what's happening when you try to solve a desire discrepancy or libido mismatch with the tools most people know about to try. What we actually need here is a comprehensive remodel of this kitchen, not a band-aid, superficial solution, which is all most people find on the internet.

The Kitchen Remodel Analogy for Desire Gaps

Today we're going to look at the things many of you have tried through the lens of this remodel analogy, and I think that will help the solution become a lot more clear and a lot more feasible.

Some of the things a lot of my listeners have tried, with great intentions: books, maybe Esther Perel or Emily Nagoski, scheduled sex, date nights. All of this stuff makes sense, and none of it's a bad tactic. It's just not sticking, and it's not really solving the issue. There are really good reasons for that. But the problem is everybody tries all these things, gets exhausted, and starts feeling like nothing's working. Therefore, nothing can work. And that's not true.

It's like this kitchen remodel situation. You start to wonder if it's fixable at all when you're decorating the backsplash but you have a functional issue going on. Why is my kitchen still not working for me?

So here's what I want to invite you to understand: you don't have bad intentions or a lack of effort. You just have the wrong tools for the job. The fundamental problem, like in the kitchen, is that the layout is broken. Nothing surface level is going to fix that. Nice countertops, new paint, you still can't cook in there. The flow is broken. The function doesn't work.

Desire gaps are similar in a lot of ways. The fundamental design is off, not because you are broken, but because the conditions for desire aren't there, and the conditions for authentic connection for both people aren't there. So there are a lot of well-intentioned solutions that just don't address the layout issue, the lack of those conditions.

Why Books, Date Nights, and Scheduled Sex Don't Fix Desire Gaps

It might not even seem like what you're doing is surface level, but oftentimes it inadvertently is. Reading a book, for example, there's nothing wrong with reading a book. I highly recommend a bunch of books. I don't particularly recommend some of the ones most people tend to go to, because they have this idea that a book is somehow going to fix the problem. You may read a wonderfully insightful Esther Perel book, and it gives you inspiration, and it may help you understand why your layout isn't working. Or it may not, because it's written for a general audience. Either way, that's not addressing the fundamental layout problem.

More date nights is like setting the table nicely when you can't use the stove. Buying toys and accessories is kind of like buying new kitchen gadgets when your major appliances are broken.

And a lot of the quote unquote solutions you'll see on the internet actually make it worse. Any sort of "just do it" advice is like using a toaster that lit the ceiling on fire, it's going to make everything worse. Scheduled sex without addressing the underlying obligation-sex dynamic is like using a pressure cooker with a broken lid, basically signing up for a disaster that could be very dangerous. And blaming anybody for any of these things is about as effective as blaming someone for the kitchen layout. It's not going to solve that either.

A lot of these things aren't just ineffective, they're creating new problems. They're reinforcing obligation, killing spontaneity, and building resentment. It's not your fault for trying them. There's a lot of bad sex advice on the internet, and it's not your fault that's what's out there and that it's hard to find good stuff. That's why I do my entire job, that's why I'm here, to help you not make things worse and to help you know what does make things better when you're ready to do that. I get that you might not be ready right now, and it may take a little while for you to be ready to really do the kind of remodel that needs to happen. Fair enough. But at least let's look at why the other stuff isn't working, so you don't feel like nothing can work.

Why Couples Therapy Isn't Enough for Sexual Disconnection

A ton of my listeners have been to couples therapy, traditional talk therapy or couples counseling. That's like hiring an architect to walk through and discuss why the layout doesn't work. Whether we're talking about the architect or the couples therapy, you might both understand the problem better at the end of that, if you've had a good couples therapist. And quality varies, just like any profession, just like coaches, just like lawyers, just like surgeons, just like mechanics.

If you've had a good one, you may understand the problem better. That's great. You may even be able to think together about how you want it to work. But that doesn't mean you're actually moving the walls or rebuilding anything. You're still living in the broken kitchen.

Most therapists aren't trained in sexuality almost at all, and even the ones who have some sexuality training have very little training in desire and arousal dynamics, or in how to actually build the nervous system conditions for desire, because talk therapy addresses the mind, and desire lives in the body. So we have a fundamental issue here that talking about isn't going to fix.

What a Full Remodel Actually Requires

So what does a full remodel actually require? We need a comprehensive assessment of what's actually not working. In this case, that's both partners' needs, desires, nervous system patterns, shame, past trauma including attachment trauma, and how your dynamic is functioning. The relational dynamic. How are you talking to each other? How are you touching each other? Does your body actually like that? What conditions does your body need to find arousal and move along that pathway? Are you getting it? There's a good chance at least one person isn't getting those conditions met.

So, comprehensive assessment. It's not either of you as people. Nobody's wrong as a person. You're not bad or undesirable or broken. There are just some dynamics that aren't working.

We also need to do some foundation work first. We can't install new counters on a cracked foundation. If the floor of the kitchen is collapsing, that's the first thing to fix. Rebuilding often means nervous system safety, cleaning out the resentments and the shame, so we can actually figure out what it is you do like, and allow you to feel entitled to have things that you like, specifically for you. What helps you feel alive and sparkly? What lights you up? We need to find those things.

We need to rebuild the systems in the dynamic between you: the communication, the boundaries, the types of touch, all of the process of arousal. Does anybody understand their own arousal needs, and their partner's? And we need to do body-based practices, not just understanding through talking, not understanding intellectually, but actually creating new neural pathways through practice. Practice is what works for all animals, including humans. That's why babies practice crawling before they can practice walking. Practice is what gets it into our bodies where it needs to be.

Both partners, it's useful if at some point, though it doesn't have to be in the beginning, both get involved in some way. That may be through one partner going first, changing the dynamic, understanding their own needs, starting to change the communication and boundaries from their side, which you can absolutely do on your own. Then the other person starts noticing, this is kind of cool, this feels better, let's do this, and they start participating too.

And you need professional guidance, just like with a kitchen remodel. Trust me, I live in a house where the previous homeowner was a lovely, sweet man who is the worst DIYer you have ever seen in your life. You should see the backsplash. It looks like it was installed by a two-year-old on crack. It's amazingly bad.

Professional guidance helps for some things. Yes, there are things you can DIY, and you are going to need to do your own practices, but it really helps to have somebody there helping you figure out what you need to be doing and when, and how to do things differently, because you've been trying to do it on your own and it hasn't been working. This also takes some time, and it's useful to have that understanding, just like if your kitchen's really not functional, you need the contractor to come in and say, here's how long this is going to take. Hopefully they give you an honest assessment so you can plan your life around that.

A full remodel for a desire gap situation typically takes a good solid six months of consistent effort. It doesn't have to be your whole life, maybe an hour a week, but it has to be consistent effort, because we have to get that practice into our bodies and try out new ways of relating so we can work together in a new, functional way. After this, you get a kitchen, or a relationship, that actually functions and feels like a refuge, that feels good, where you can nourish yourself.

The Cultural Myth That Love Should Be Easy

Unfortunately, I have a whole podcast about this "love should be easy" belief, because it really keeps people stuck. It's as if we imagine every single house we walk into should be perfectly set up for us without any effort whatsoever. That's not realistic. And why should it be easy? This is the most important relationship in your life for most of you. I don't understand why that should be easy, but there's this cultural myth that if it's meant to be, it will magically be easy and you'll be happily ever after. Notice that in all the rom-coms, the story stops right after they finally get together. We don't see the long-term relationship progression in most of those films, but it goes into our subconscious mind, and through nobody's fault, we subconsciously believe this myth that is absolutely false: that love should be easy if it's quote unquote meant to be, and if it's hard, that must mean we're wrong for each other. That's not true.

Now, look, some people are wrong for each other, they have fundamental incompatibilities, and it's very useful to figure that out. But you can't decide whether you have a fundamental incompatibility unless you've tried the right things first, to figure out whether your partner is on board and wants to meet you, and whether you changing changes the dynamic enough that they show up differently. If you don't even try to renovate the house and just say, well, there's nothing I can do, I can't live here, that's not practical, and you're going to have the same problem with the next house, because it's not going to be exactly you. Nobody is ever going to be exactly you. They're going to be a little different, and that can actually be wonderful when you learn to navigate those differences in a way that's functional for both of you.

Getting help is not evidence of failure, just like it's not evidence of failure to need your kitchen remodeled. It's evidence that you care enough to fix it, that you care enough to put in the effort and the investment to do the work that needs to be done.

What Coaching Investment Actually Looks Like

So what does that look like? I want everybody to have all the information. This is what it takes: nervous system work, safety work, desire work, understanding arousal, communication, all of it. Just like in a kitchen remodel, you've got to do all the parts, the appliances, the cabinets, the flooring, all those pieces, to make it all feel whole and good and wonderful and work.

A good, focused coaching program in any field typically runs about five to fifteen thousand dollars and up, because people charge all kinds of things. Whether it's business coaching, relationship coaching, health coaching, financial coaching, it depends on what you're working on and how big the shift is going to be, which determines how long it takes. It also depends on who you're working with and their general approach to pricing. That's not unique to relationship work, it's just what comprehensive transformation costs, just like a kitchen or bathroom remodel, or having a landscaper redo your whole landscape. It depends on what professionals you work with, and there's a general ballpark.

Transformation does require investment. You're not paying for someone to just listen to you for an hour a week and maybe hope that's someday transformative, that's very different from a therapy model. You're paying for expertise, accountability, personalized guidance, and measurable results that you actually want. That's why coaches are results-focused. We are focused on getting you the outcomes you came in for in a reasonable amount of time. I don't want to see anybody for thirty years just to listen. That's not my job. I am not a therapist.

The difference is that most results you buy, like a kitchen remodel, are actually a temporary upgrade you'll need to redo in ten or fifteen years. But the wonderful thing about skills-based transformation is that you come out the other side different, with new capacity you didn't have before. When you invest in your own capacity, it doesn't expire, which is so awesome. One of the things I love about coaching, and about getting coaching for myself, is that when I invest in me, that learning stays with me for the rest of my life. When you invest in your relationship and you have a relationship transformation, it benefits you forever, because now you can do the remodel yourself the next time. You have the tools to do the maintenance, so it never needs it again.

But both the kitchen remodel and the relationship remodel require temporary disruption, professional expertise, and a substantial investment. Neither should be done on an impulse or half-assed, but it's also not wise to avoid them if they're necessary. If you have the issue where you need the remodel, it's not wise to avoid it forever either. Generally, doing it earlier means you get to enjoy the benefits and the results earlier, which is wonderful, and it also means things don't get worse, which is typically what happens with relationship dysfunction.

If you're living with a broken kitchen that affects everything, meal prep, family time, daily stress, get a kitchen remodel when you can. If you're living with a desire gap that affects everything, your connection, your intimacy, your mental health, your sense of self-worth and safety in the world, get a relationship remodel. That's why I created my program.

How to Assess "Solutions" You See Online

Now you have the framework to really assess the solutions you see on the internet. I want to invite you to ask, when you see something purported as a solution: does this address the fundamental issue underlying our disconnection and pain, or is it cosmetic? Books, podcasts, including this one, can help you understand the problem, which is a necessary first step, but it is not a solution. Apps, scheduled sex, sex accessories, can be helpful after you fix the foundation. Traditional therapy is really valuable for understanding some things, but it's not usually sufficient for actual transformation of desire and arousal challenges.

If you've been trying well-intentioned solutions and wondering why nothing's changing, that's why, now you know. Real transformation requires comprehensive body-based work.

Real Client Results and Numbers

In my experience, given the results I see with actual people who've shared this problem, I've put some of their actual results and numbers on my information page for my program, because I think it's really powerful to see numbers. I'm a numbers person, I love numbers. I was a scientist for many years, and a pretty high-level statistician, so I really like to see the data. These are numbers where people said, this is what my goal is, this is my current level of fulfillment, and we check in at three months and at six months, and they score those same goals again against their current level of fulfillment. You can see the difference people are getting in their specific goals.

If you're curious about numbers and love that stuff too, it's at laurajurgens.com/bridge, and you can read about the program and see some real client numbers.

That program is the full remodel. You may not be ready for that right now. You may be in an exploratory phase, which is totally legitimate. I'm not here to push anybody who's not ready into it, because honestly, I have a guarantee, and I really need people who are ready to do the work, not people who aren't, because otherwise I'll be giving you your money back. Actually, what will really happen is I'll just say we're not a good fit in our consultation.

But when people are ready, this is what you need. Based on my expertise and my work with many, many people, this is what works, and we don't cut corners. We actually need to get in there and work with what's going on in your body, your nervous system, and the dynamic between you, and really build a whole new kitchen there, a whole new way of being, so you get to feel that wonderful sense of, this feels absolutely wonderful.

Closing: You're Not Doing Anything Wrong

My message here today is, really, you're not doing anything wrong in most cases. Well, sometimes people are doing things wrong, I don't want to lie to you, there are things you could be doing that aren't helping. If it hasn't gotten solved, chances are what you've been doing isn't helping. But that doesn't mean you're wrong. You're not a bad person. You've been doing well-intentioned quote unquote solutions that aren't actually solutions. You've been doing things you were told might work, but it's like throwing darts at the wall, you have no idea if it's actually going to change the situation.

Most of the time, when you've done that and it hasn't helped, you start feeling like nothing can help. That's where I really want to challenge you: evidence that other things haven't worked in the past is not a prediction that nothing can work in the future. But brains do tend to look at it that way. If you've never gotten into college before and then you do, all of those previous rejections don't actually predict that you'll never get into college. They just mean you haven't gotten in yet. And once you do, you conveniently forget you were ever worried that all those other rejections meant you'd never get in. It doesn't mean that. Just because a baby has never walked before doesn't mean they never will. Thank God none of us had that mindset as babies, or we'd still be crawling around.

So there are good solutions. It is possible, but it does require something different than most of what you'll see on the internet. When you're ready to dive in and do the remodel, I'm happy to talk with you and see if we're a good fit. You can always reach out to me. Right now, at least you have the information you need to start critically assessing the quick-fix kind of stuff that's out there in the world.

All right, my friends, I'll see you here next week.